It's been a LONG time. No internet access :/, currently at an internet cafe.
I miss posting since it's so addicting to me.
Hopefully, I shall be buying a new laptop and getting internet soon.
There has just been a few issues with money and lousy roomates -_-
Yeah....
Will get back soon!

P.s, thanks new followers even though I havent posted jackshit in a while.

The Spotless Mind.
It bothers me that so many things, relevant or not, remind me of you. From music to buildings to inanimate objects. It's so weird. The more I try to forget the more I get reminded. How typical.

I think about you with someone else, without a care in the world. I wonder where you are and when you're coming back. I try to forget the memories but it doesn't seem to work.. instead I think of more we can make. It doesn't really have to do with the fact that I love you, but I miss you. I don't want to continue with such thoughts but then again I do. I sometimes wish I had a spotless mind but immediately take that wish back. I don't need or want a commitment, nor do I want to be labeled. I just want you. I want to have fun like we did before.

I don't care if this comes off as vulnerable because I expose the truth within my feelings; because I'm not afraid of what people think. The truth is I'm not. I've just been through enough shit to realize that if someone can me me smile, and be taken with bliss for a split second to what can feel like eternity, than I'd rather embrace it. To some, what may seem pointless is what ignites my soul.

...Maybe not a spotless mind at all, but laughter, your touch, your warmth, eternal sunshine.

"You're alright.. or maybe even better than alright. You may be possibly extraordinary."

More car fun.

I'm not a "too often" kind.

I don't mean that I'm this rare species or that I'm"unique". (Btw, it's really wack when people call themselves that cause 90% of the time they're not.) I'm not abstract or exotic. I'm simply saying I'm not a "too often" kind.

You may not realize it when you look at me or when you speak to me, or even when you let me in. But once there, it may take you months maybe years, or maybe it'll be too late.. I'll make you second guess yourself, change your mind when your mind was set, or even allow you to take a chance. Not to whoever I come across but whoever lets me in deep enough. I can show you real emotion, take you elsewhere, and even if you let me slip, I'm never really gone.

Ihop shakes are the best.

More pointless pictures.

"Blackberry"

Car fun.

Babysitting. Oh joy.

Oh well, at least there's a computer here. :)

I keep saying this to myself... maybe, just maybe.

"I don't wanna waste an entire album on you, Ive been there done that, yea... and I don't wanna tell who what when where why and how cause who cares, no nobody cares.

But I hope you soon find out how to love, once upon a time you wanted to learn, I thought I could teach you but you were more afraid, than willing. So when it comes don't push it away, one day you will find it is the greatest gift and I hope you don't take advantage of it again.

Hold her when she wants to be held, don't yell at her when she's only trying to love you.Take her to her favorite place more often than not, don't take her kindness for weakness cause I'm sure she'll love you a lot. Support her in all that she does, don't tear her down build her up cause that is the worst thing you can do to someone you love. Put her high on a pedestal and tell her when she looks beautiful, tell her when she looks beautiful ...

I used to think that I could not bare you to be with anyone but me, but I've been there done that, yea... and since then I've come to think silly of that whole mentality, cause I wanna find love too though it wont be with you. I wish for everyone to one day find happiness and love including you, yea... and I don't wanna go into detail cause I've said enough and it's not my intent to hurt you.

But I hope you soon find out how to love, once upon a time you wanted to learn, I thought I could teach you but you were more afraid, than willing. So when it comes don't push it away, one day you will find it is the greatest gift and I hope you don't take advantage of it again.


Hold her when she wants to be held, don't yell at her when she's only trying to love you.Take her to her favorite place more often than not, don't take her kindness for weakness cause I'm sure she'll love you a lot. Support her in all that she does, don't tear her down build her up cause that is the worst thing you can do to someone you love. Put her high on a pedestal and tell her when she looks beautiful, tell her when she looks beautiful...."

*bites

Random Facts:

I have this thing where if I'm a guest at your house and you ask me if I'm hungry/thirsty, I will ALWAYS say no. Even if I am, I would sit there dehydrated and starving like a fool.

pretty neat.

Days like that.

I'm restless.
I'm laying on the floor although there's a bed less than a foot away.

"Girl interrupted" has been on replay for the last five hours.

I feel isolated for some reason, although I'm really not.

I find it funny how I feel so empty with a head full of thoughts and a heart that is full... of wasted emotions.

I guess the exhaust is from all the amount of open wounds.

There's so many things I'm thinking of: self image, my issues, my past, how I yearn to be whole.

I'm thinking I need to get the fuck out of Jersey.
I need to see some new faces, listen to different people speak, interact in a different environment; with such mellow vibes.

I'd prefer a better understanding of this so-called love. A genuine one at that.

It would also be cool if there were someone who actually understood what the fuck I was talking about half the time. I mean when I really talk, not just bullshit. But who the fuck can relate; I don't understand me sometimes. Things are so misconstrued. I'm so fucked up but I can still manage to be sensible.

Diagnosis: I'm losing the little bit of sanity I've got left.

I am in some deep shit.






....Fuck.

Stuff that bug me #95:

People that don't serve breakfast after a certain period of time.
Why?

What if I want eggs at 8 pm. I can't have any?

That's bullshit.

and they say no one's perfect.

I don't quite care for meaningless interaction/conversation. :I

Random Facts:

I have these notebooks filled with my thoughts and ideas. Things I can say with time; without being interrupted. The words my soul can speak displayed on paper. Most of the time I write at night, usually before I attempt to go to sleep. For some reason I can't really sleep unless I write what I'm thinking (unless I'm entirely too exhausted). That sounds a bit odd but I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this.

Old man's face is priceless.

Was it really worth you going out like that?

Just taking a quick glance at my blog, I realize I talk so much about love. It can kind of get annoying at times.. but fuck it. I would like to talk about other shit of course, but I guess right now that's something that's taking up the majority of my thoughts.

Oh yes, I'm posting some Maxwell.

If something seems to good to be true, it probably is.

There's just something so damn attractive about him.

Today was a pretty productive day.

Not really but at least I actually did what I said I was going to do.

So listen, last night, my brother's ex asked me if I could babysit. First off, I don't know why. I'm not the babysitting type, plus my niece doesn't even know me like that. But whatever, it's their kid. haha

Ok, anyway, so I'm like "Sure what time?" She goes, "Oh at around 9, 9:30." I don't know what the fuck possessed me to believe she meant the AM but for some reason, I did.

I say sure, as if I'm the morning type.

-BREAK NIGHT, because I want to be on time, and also because I had shit to do after.
-Having my friend call me the entire night because she's going through this drama there.

I call at 9:20 and my brother goes, "Oh, she meant at night..."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fucking lose my mind.

I'm like "what!" Dude starts laughing. I was super tight. But I laugh at it now.

So yeah, enough about my day, my life's not all that interesting.

last night/ this morning was fucking hectic.

Slowly, but surely...
I am beginning to lose my mind.

I sometimes feel as though everyone around me doesn't make sense. They've all gone mad or can't even begin to comprehend the things I say. As if my mind exceeds the capacity of theirs by a long-shot. All things considered, I'm not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed, but shit. Or maybe... I'm the one who's mad. O_o

You came to me in a dream.

From that moment, I decided that there is no need for the constant reminders. Crying out to you the depths of this love, the intensity of this love, for you should know.

If there was a moment, a single moment of our entire history together, in which I felt a great amount of disappointment towards you, this would be that moment.

See this whole thing, with you, me, and the rest of them...is just pointless.

I guess I don't really comprehend the whole "leading someone on" thing.

I know enough now to see that it isn't going to end as easy as it started.

I wish I can say, I'm done stressing you.
But as much as I'd like for that statement to be true, it isn't. I have been there for you since day one, I never broke my promise, I can't even put in words the amount of love my heart, my soul, my entire being, holds for you.

But at the same time, I don't deserve this.
I don't know how you can love someone and play with them so. Tell them things that you're not able to show. Tell them they're your number one. But little do they know after it's all said and done, another face is the one who is shown. That other face shows the importance of that person to you. But last time I checked, you said I was important. I mattered, and you wanted to wait until we were face to face to show me that. You were going to make it right and I couldn't wait to see what you'd do.

But at the end of the day you can't have your cake and eat it too.

High moments with Deysi. :)



Deysi: Show those jugs.
Me: They're nice, :grabs:

Only I can see the you you’re waiting to be.

"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you.
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you"

-Life after you.

For some reason, I really like him.

I met you last night... I wonder if we'll meet again.

Why is love intensified by absence?

"Change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."

"Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty."

Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

“I'm not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind.”

♥

haha.

Heard it on the radio the other day, pretty catchy.

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned. "

It's uncanny.

Hayden Christensen

You know there's nothing more than this.

Sparks the Rescue.

Stuff that bug me #96:

When someone's clothing is the exact color of their skin tone.

Not just one article of clothing, but like the entire outfit. Depending on how far the person is, I either think:
"Is that person really walking around in a bodysuit?" or
"Omg, he's naked!"

Saturday night... was fucking crazy.
From the gangs and the stabbings, to a 17 year old boy getting jumped by over 10 grown ass men in a public fast food joint, to a pedophile/rapist. I didn't realize where I lived was this bad.